Ready for Rio

In these changeable September days it’s hard to predict whether tomorrow will be sunny and warm or depths-of-winter chilly. If you have neither the time nor the inclination to endure the rigmarole of exfoliating, moisturising and fake-tanning just in case the sun shows its face, here is the good news: I’ve found a way to cheat. All those with pale pins reach for RioBlush City Girl Firming Leg Shimmer.

This stuff is genius. Developed by make-up artist, Kyra Panchenko, while working on the Sex and The City movie, it rehydrates skin and imparts a soft-focus bronze shimmer that makes legs look tanned and slinky. The clever formula also does double-duty by working to diminish cellulite and tone the skin. It even smells luscious! I needed something to take the edge of my lilywhites for a wedding at the weekend – it looked so good I slapped some on my arms and collarbone too! I've been able to avoid fake tan and that god-awful fried fat smell all summer because of this nifty cream. Definitely near the top of my (massive) must-have list!

Train due: delayed

18.29 Fading awareness that you’re being fed the same information repeatedly but in a tone suggestive of an update.

18. 38 Body shuts down non-essential functions as you fight for survival in the Arctic wind tunnel masquerading as Platform 4.

18.45 Begin to feel paranoid that even if the train does turn up you won’t be able to fit on. Visualise with disgust image of cockroaches swarming towards the doors, trampling their travelling partners, desperate to cram themselves into the carriage at any cost.

18.46 Secretly devise a boarding plan to put into operation on appearance of the train. Envisage scuttling away from the other cockroaches to the furthest end of the platform. Decide even if it’s first class you’ll sit down. Prepare an aggressive internal rant for use if someone tries to move you. It’s a dog eat dog train and you will be travelling.

19.01 Alternative methods of travel run through your mind. Who could you ring for a lift? Could you travel in the wrong direction before doubling back on a different imaginary bit of track? Is there a nearby airport? What about a tuk-tuk?

19.17 Calculate exactly how late you’re going to be and what you will eat if you ever get home while drafting an imaginary complaint letter to the train company using words such as ‘unacceptable’ and ‘disgraceful’.

19.39 Consider leaving the train station entirely in search of food/alcohol/magazines/a fight. Consider for so long you become paralysed by the fear that the train will arrive and you’ll miss it.

19.52 Mentally calculate time of the next train if you were to miss this train due to leaving the station area even though you have already decided that you will not under any circumstances be leaving the station area.

The Ugg Scuff

This modern day phenomenon has emerged steadily since 'Mossy' started the craze for squidgy boots that make you look like you're wearing the 'feet' part of an animal costume.

Frequent any high street on a Saturday afternoon, take a position (preferably near a Starbucks - the Uggers' natural habitat) and listen for The Scuff. You won't have to wait long, particularly if the Starbucks is equidistant to a Primark. For while real Uggs may create a gentle scuff, cheapo versions virtually disable the wearer, collapsing at the heel and creating a kind of 'side shoe' where you have to walk on the actual material of the boot.

Like the sound equivalent to light pollution the Ugg Scuff now exists as the accepted soundtrack to any shopping exhibition, lulling the general public into a scuff-induced stupor. It's only when you're safely out of the Ugg-zone that your ears adjust to the sounds of life sans scuff.

I'm guilty of it myself. So what if I couldn't tell whether they were meant to be slippers or boots. I wouldn't wear them anywhere people might see, just to the shop up the road, or the library. And at £8 for the pair I don't mind if I do, thanks.

Approximately 26 hours after purchase those boots were worn into work. I scuffed about all day, aware and embarrassed of my increased audio presence in the office. Traipsing around with two bits of styrofoam attached to my feet via some polyester 'fur'. You have to do a comedy Basil Fawlty walk just to clear the floor. And the heat! Like wearing two miniature electric blankets inside my shoes. I couldn't wait to scuff home.